Why is Everything in Australia Trying to Kill us?
Back in 2004, I took my first “World Tour” (solo mission) and I spent some time in Australia. My time here was completely different – I would tell you stories but I can’t remember much due to a plethora of consumed Goon. What I do know however, is that AUSTRALIA REMEMBERS…
Upon arrival in Cairns a few weeks back, I instantly got a weird feeling that Australia will not be as nice to me the second time around. Was it because I left a $50 overdraft for the Commonwealth Bank to cover? What it because 4 guys slept in a van illegally all the way down the east coast? Or did the 20 bartenders that cut-me-off get offended by my back-lash? Whatever the reason, I believe in Karma (see previous blog post) and I am now getting my pay-back 7 years later (and taking Louisa down with me):
1) Magpie attacks – apparently magpies are very vicious in Australia, especially during nesting season. Louisa knows this firsthand – she was attacked twice by one crazy magpie in the head and managed to avoid a third consecutive attack by ducking. Luckily she found out that it is very common or else she would have a “giant candy-apple” complex about her head … Shameless Seinfeld video reference link.
2) Rain – apparently summer in Australia has now turned into Cyclone season due to climate change. Since our arrival we have only had 1 day without rain. If this continues, we will most likely drown in our sleep as our tent isn’t as rain-proof as we hoped and only made for 1 person.
3) Gasoline – we tried to sail the magnificent Whitsundays in a catamaran, however, due to a fuel leak and the potential of the boat burning down, the skipper demanded we head back to shore. We also rolled into a gas station after driving 99KM on fumes, while in a torrential downpour – for some reason the Australian government replaced the “Next Gas Station is 600KM” road signs with “Play Trivia to Stay Awake” signs… really? If I don’t have gas for my car how can I play trivia?
4) Giant Flying Beetles – these large can’t fly nor seem to see – they dive bomb towards wherever is in their way. My back got attacked by one of these monsters biting me and attaching itself to me like it was a lifeboat on the sinking Titanic. A second attack to my leg several days later didn’t end so well for the poor bastard.
5) Falling mangoes – November is mango season in Australia. Louisa and I love mangoes. However, we do not like sleeping in a tent under a mango tree. These 3 pound fruits of destruction can really keep you awake at night while you hear them fall inches from your head. The plus side was that all the ones that missed our heads were delicious – we had an unlimited amount of free ripe mangoes for several days!
Either way you look at it, Australia doesn’t want us (well probably me) here for the second time. I am going to make peace with Australia by doing the opposite of what I did 7 years ago – I won’t drink, I will pay for camping and I will ensure I put $50 back into this booming economy. This will hopefully satisfy the higher powers to guarantee that my offspring have a safe place to drink Goon and get into trouble when they are 23.
Honourable Mentions:
Brown Snakes – known as one of the most venomous snakes in Australia, Louisa and I saw one hanging out by our campsite. Needless to say, we kept close to the middle of our tent.
Jelly Fish – it is jelly fish “season” in Australia, which basically means don’t go swimming in the ocean without a stinger suit or you will die.
Sharks – for some ridiculous reason we watched Shark Week on the Discovery Channel last week – the consensus is that sharks do like people and shallow water. Especially in Australia.
Road Construction – if you think Calgary is bad, come to Australia and really experience road construction. Every 50Km there has road construction that turns a simple 200km drive into a 3 hour torturous crawl, with every road sign blatantly telling you that you “are going to die” if you don’t slow down.
Wireless internet – it is 2011, but Australia is stuck in 2000. They still have computer kiosks that you pay $5 for 20min of internet. The word “Wireless” is more foreign to Australia then the word “Touque”… okay, okay so this one didn’t try to kill us, but it impeded our blog posting updates.
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